The Language of Non-Verbal Autism

*A Mother’s Wish blog contains a treasure trove of insights. We have deliberately not created a paywall for our mission to share accurate insights about the inner lives of autistic individuals to everyone. But we would be most grateful for an SGD10 payment of love and support if you feel you have benefited and are in a position to help us continue our mission. A new digital photograph of Sebastien's artwork is available each time we upload a new post.

This is Episode 2 of A Mother's Wish's endeavour to share more about our approach: EpiEco (Autistic Individual as the EPIcentre of the ECOsystem).

Me: How are you?

Seb: Cut nostril hair

This is one of Sebastien’s favourite refrains during our video call.

To most people, Sebastien’s response probably sounds nonsensical. But for those who know Sebastien well, this phrase is one of the various creative strategies he uses to alert us to his inner state. In this case, his response, instead of his minimalist “good”, tells me that he has had a sufficiently tiring day to make the effort too challenging for him at the moment.

You see, for Sebastien whose brain doesn’t gravitate naturally to language, talking is stressful for him. Unlike most of us for whom talking is as second nature as breathing, Sebastien's mind struggles with abstractions like language and symbols. Moreover,

he possesses powerful senses that make it difficult for him to filter out the sights, sounds, and smells of our overly busy and noisy urban environment.

To have an inkling of what it is like to be in Sebastien's shoes, imagine living in a world where everyone around you is doing what feels like the most unnatural thing in the world for you to do.

“Cut nostril hair” is like a code word that tells me to back off, to rein in any expectations of a language-based interaction, and to pay attention to Sebastien's body language for clues. It serves as protective armour shielding him from further distress that could cause him to accumulate stress that he cannot control, which would then lead to a meltdown or other types of distressing behaviours. Therefore, rather than push Sebastien towards a language-based interaction, I choose to focus my attention on his well-being, on how he is relating to me.

This is what a relationship is about. It is not about using words, but about showing that we care about one another.

Stepping out of our comfort zone of language to observe and understand is one of the foundational aspects of EpiEco — Autism Person as the Epicentre of the Ecosystem. It is the effort we make as carers to understand and interpret his endeavours to communicate with us, however atypical.

When we don’t make this effort, an autistic person, especially a non-verbal one, is often misunderstood. They are wrongly perceived as unsocial and unfriendly. Yet the reality is how can they interact and socialize with others when others don’t make the effort to understand their uniqueness? This is why they can be the loneliest people in the world: this is not because of their differences but because we don’t try to understand their differences.

Can Sebastien talk? I am often asked at workshops.

This is what I would say. Yes, he does. He can speak, read, and write words. But it is not his native language. For Sebastien, expressing emotions of happiness and anger in sentences such as “I am happy” or “I am angry” does nothing for him. He manifests his inner life with his body, his movements, and his paintings (an extension of his movements through a brush and a roller). If we are to connect with him at this deeper level, we need to challenge ourselves to learn this other kind of language, which is powerful and effective in its own way.

Sebastien's expression of his joy and excitement through painting

Calming Sebastien down with slow, firm, and rhythmic pressure at the back of his head and back

(3) Physical proximity: the language of safety and closeness.

To ensure that we are building a caring and nurturing relationship with autistic individuals, we need to be willing to connect with two languages and two ways of being. Only through our openness and care can our autistic loved ones trust us to help them operate within the constraints of mainstream society.

Treating the autistic person as the EPICENTRE of our ECOSYSTEM is key to building a beautiful relationship with them. But it has to be a 2-way street.

Helpful Links:

To learn about how we set up Sebastien's life in Bali, check out my book: Where Does My Autistic Son Belong?
To learn more about Sebastien's life in Bali, check out our e-coffee book series 2022 and 2023 featuring his paintings and monthly updates on his life.
To learn more about EpiEco, check out: What is Autism Really? Video Series (short 5-10 minute educational videos with digital illustrations).